IT IS DEFINITELLY JUST ME! I was told that just about 5 hours ago, probably billionth time. I think I have finally gotten it. I was told I am just an odd exception then and thus I cannot really know anything. Cool! Actually, really. If there is no way my world can align with the rest of it, I may just as well start living mine. Which means I may leave the table next time too when things are being said I do not wish to hear any more. I may keep no grudge against people that said it and may help them with whatever they ask. I can be just me, both ways. I may believe I know things, for they work in my world. I may be sentimental and terribly logical and throw quotes of high wisdom or be shallow at times. It is all really my fault (ha, ha, only in my world of course) and my responsibility too. But, mainly to myself. And my God. Life presents us with doorways where we least expected them and offers us new horizons.
This was in many, many ways a terrible day. For over a day I felt some uneasiness, I slept badly and I have been fed thoughts of kind I do not like to associate with. I turned into a lion and almost turned the tables upon hearing for one time too many someone talk ill of someone I care for and speak of things twisted times too many to count.
But in there I found a treassure to keep, a power and freedom of my own judgment and choices. Experience of anger, of disgust, of disappointment, momentary breakdown and strangly, a way out of it, to myself. There really is none remotely alike me out there, who thinks and feels alike me. I really am all alone and possibly all wrong, in the eyes of others. So, it is only with my own soil I can work, in my own soil I can learn. Just as a plant that has been used to certain place and climate may not thrive when moved into another space, so it seems I am, odd perhaps, but just me. For this moment of being me and finding me (which does not happen that often), I am grateful.
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